02 May 2016


I can't say that I ever truly understood this word until Harrison was born. Mothers had told me that you feel different when your baby was born, and I always thought, "of course you do, you've never been a mother before that moment." But, as with everything else I thought about motherhood, I was wrong. The feeling you get when your child is born is so much more than becoming a new mom.

I talked about my difficulty with being pregnant in another entry, and how it was difficult for me to connect because of my fears, insecurities, and general life-long sense that I wasn't going to be a mom.  This fear lasted through my labor, knowing that something - anything - could happen. And looking back, I'm honestly sad that I felt that way, because I could have loved him harder sooner.

But the moment I saw him, the moment he was safely in the world, the moment he first cried for me, I knew. I knew he was mine. I knew that he knew me and that I knew him. It was as if I was experiencing a long awaited reunion - almost as if I could hear myself saying "I've missed you, I've been waiting so long."

I've realized that everything they say is true. 
Everything changes the moment your baby is here.
It will be the most beautiful experience of your life.
You will never be the same.

I never felt true euphoria until the moment I saw him for the first time. It was the feeling of real magic in that room. It was the feeling of my heart growing 3 sizes. It was the feeling of meeting the most innocent being on the planet, for that moment. It was the feeling of seeing God and knowing His love. It was the feeling of all the Best Things all at once, but your cup is too small and the Best Things are too big.

And then they placed him on my chest, skin-to-skin, and this tiny human that was once inside me was now outside. I made him. I nourished him and carried him and kept him safe.

The feeling you get when your child is born is so much more than becoming a new mom - it is the definition of euphoria. Pure euphoria.

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